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What If Ayn Rand Reviewed Children’s Movies?

I love poking fun of Ayn Rand. Since the recent Ayn Rand resurgence thanks to the Tea Party, it’s just too easy.

Today, though, I don’t intend to poke fun at Ayn Rand. I’ll let The New Yorker do it for me.

Before Christmas, they posted a hilarious column in which “Ayn Rand” reviews children’s movies. It’s spot on.

“The Muppets Take Manhattan”

This movie was a disappointment. The Muppets do not take Manhattan at all. They merely visit it. —No stars.

“Toy Story”

At last, a full-length feature about the inherent value of possessions. —Four stars.

“Old Yeller”

A farm animal ceases to be useful and is disposed of humanely. A valuable lesson for children. —Four stars.

“Bambi”

The biggest and the strongest are the fittest to rule. This is the way things have always been. —Four stars.

“Mary Poppins”

A woman takes a job with a wealthy family without asking for money in exchange for her services. An absurd premise. Later, her employer leaves a lucrative career in banking in order to play a children’s game. —No stars.

“Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”

An excellent movie. The obviously unfit individuals are winnowed out through a series of entrepreneurial tests and, in the end, an enterprising young boy receives a factory. I believe more movies should be made about enterprising young boys who are given factories. —Three and a half stars. (Half a star off for the grandparents, who are sponging off the labor of Charlie and his mother. If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work.)

“Frozen”

An exceptional woman foolishly allows her mooching family members to keep her from ruling a kingdom of ice in perfect solitude. She is forced to use her unique powers to provide free entertainment for peasants, without compensation. I liked the snowman, when he sang. —One star.

This is just great. Now I’m inspired.

I would’ve loved her take on Toy Story 3. Did Andy redistribute the wealth by giving away his toys?

More here. 

(Image: Wikimedia Commons)

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13 Comments Post a comment
  1. yes …

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  2. Brandon #

    These are hilarious. Maybe I should give Ayn Rand another chance….

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  3. you inspire me.

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  4. Bambi did too..

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  5. This is fantastic. The Muppets and Wonka reviews had me laughing.

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  6. Oh, Ayn Rand. What a killjoy.

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  7. Alison's Wonderland Recipes #

    I’m curious what the original author’s intention was. I mean, I get that it’s supposed to be funny, but I can’t tell if he was deliberately spoofing common misconceptions about Ayn Rand’s beliefs or if he genuinely believed she thought these things (i.e. possessions having inherent value, biggest and strongest being fittest to rule, etc.).

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  8. I’m a fan of Rand’s philosophy, so I find these humorous because of how true some of them are 😛 Especially the Snow White and Up ones.

    Have you read Ayn Rand’s “The Devil Wears Prada” spoof they did? It’s actually a much better sounding movie than its source material. 😛 The main character in the original movie basically sacrifices all her goals for a selfish boyfriend and unsupportive friends and it’s just so unsatisfying and bleak. In the Ayn Rand version, the main chick is like “Screw all my haters, I’m going off to be fabulous with Meryl Streep.”

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  9. Fun. Thanks.

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  10. Reblogged this on Ramblings of a Drama Queen and commented:
    As much as I love Ayn Rand and her writing, this is spot on

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  11. Hit the nail on the head exactly. Of course, Ayn Rand would want to know if you paid for that nail. If you did, why aren’t you using it to serve yourself, not the minions who are parasites, living off all those who are building great things with their nails.

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  12. Very funny!

    Like

    January 7, 2015
  13. Austa Gio #

    Haha! These are awesome

    Like

    January 8, 2015

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