Love Stories That Aren’t Really Love Stories
Okay. I’ll give in.
It’s Valentines Day. That means I have to do the obligatory, “Hey! It’s Valentines Day! Write a post about love or hearts or romance or something from Hallmark.” That’s not a requirement? Oh crap.
We’ll I’m already 40 words into this post, so I’ll keep going.
In honor of Valentines Day, I present to you 6 of the greatest love stories that aren’t really love stories in literature. Hopefully, I’ll be able to keep my “man card” after this post.
Gone With The Wind: I’ve never understood why this is such a hyped romance story. If GWTW was set in modern times, we would call it Jersey Shore. Scarlett hops from guy to guy, marriage to marriage. Rhett bides his time waiting on Scarlett by chumming up to a few hookers. Ashley is the anti-man—the anti-hero—perhaps better suited to raise purebred Cocker Spaniels and drink Zima. If Gone With The Wind is the poster-child for a good love story, then God help our love lives.
Romeo and Juliet: Really? Nothing warms my heart like a story of group suicide. Yes, I know this is a “tragic” love story. I get it. But I think Romeo could’ve grown a pair, picked up Juliet, and skipped out of town. This whole “let’s die together” plan was just so uncreative and totally unmasculine.
Lolita: You know I couldn’t resist. I read somewhere, and I can’t seem to find the original source, but one reviewer basically said “Lolita is the greatest love story of our generation.” Okay. I don’t know what generation of pedophiliacs this reviewer lived in, but if you see him on the street, keep a safe distance. The only way I would classify Lolita as a “love story” would be if Humbert Humbert walked off a cliff into a pool of rabid sharks, one of which had a hankering for middle-aged pedophiles. Now I would love that story.
Doctor Zhivago: If The Bachelor were turned into a classic novel, it might look like Doctor Zhivago. Who needs one woman when you can have two? The good old Doctor keeps a mistress on the side. How touching. Would this novel be considered even more romantic if Doctor Zhivago was a fundamentalist Mormon with six wives? Nothing says “I love you” like “Dear, I’m spending the night with wife #4 tonight. See you next Tuesday.”
Twilight: Okay, I haven’t read any of these books. You’ve already endured my thoughts on Twilight. But I don’t know what’s so romantic about teenagers eating each other’s necks. Let’s be honest: Vampires are nothing more than cannibalistic perverts. Combine that with the amped up hormones of a teenager, and Twilight is the story of blood-crazed teenagers who eat each other’s necks and label it as “love.”
Any novel based on the concept of “love at first sight”: I don’t know who you are. You could be a serial killer. You could’ve just went through your 12th divorce. You could be addicted to 1980s video games. You might be a pyramid schemer. You could be a teenage vampire. You could have uncontrollable flatulence or an unfortunate and highly visible ear wax issue. But, the moment I looked at you, I knew it was love. Yep, that’s exactly how relationships work.
Now that I’ve helped you realize that not all “love stories” really are love stories, I hope you’re in the mood for a fantastic Valentines Day! Just stay away from teenagers with overly red lips, and you should be safe.
Would you add any novels to this list?