Death Match! Aslan Battles Napoleon!
It’s time for another death match!
If you’ll remember, Infinite Jest took out Gone With The Wind in the first death match. Today’s battle features two literary superstars: the fierce, intimidating God-like lion, Aslan, from C.S. Lewis’ Narnia series, versus the evil, manipulative and propaganda-spewing pig, Napoleon, from Animal Farm.
A lion versus a pig? Come on, right? The King of the Serengeti versus the King of Boone’s Farm? Is it a no brainer?
Well, let’s break it down.
Better Entourage: Every fighter needs a good entourage. Aslan has a bunch of goofy, pubescent English kids. Napolean has an army of mean, feisty barnyard animals who are scared to death of him. Plus, they’ll slit a lion’s throat in a second. Advantage: Napoleon
Fan Support: What do you think? The heroic lion or the creepy pig that walks on two legs and kills other pigs? Also, judging by book sales, Narnia has sold more than 120 million copies. Animal Farm has sold in the neighborhood of 20 million copies. People love Aslan. Advantage: Aslan.
Street Smarts: Aslan is ultra-wise. Napoleon is ultra-manipulative. Both have lots of smarts. But in the end, I’ll go with the all-knowing lion. Advantage: Aslan.
Charisma: Look at that mane! Aslan is like the Animal Kingdom’s version of The Most Interesting Man In The World. He can do anything. Napoleon? He’s a freaking pig! Advantage: Aslan.
Creator: So what about the two writers who created these characters? Really tough one here. Though I love the Narnia series, I’ve got to go with Orwell since we’re strictly talking fiction. 1984 and Animal Farm are two of the best novels of all time. So, thanks to his creator: Advantage: Napoleon.
Better Wingman: Say, you’re a single guy and you need a wingman to take to a bar. Who do you want? The no-brainer seems to be Aslan, right? You would look super cool walking into Joe’s Pub with a fierce lion. But there’s a problem: Aslan would steal the show. Your wingman needs to hang in the background, needs to be a good supporting act, not the star. Napoleon might creep the girls out because he walks on two legs, but buy him a drink and give him a few quarters to play Golden Tee. Advantage: Napoleon.
Hot Dog Eating Contest Winner: Wouldn’t this be a bit cannibalistic for Napoleon to eat a hot dog? I wouldn’t put it past him. But, nonetheless, I’ll take Aslan in this one. Hands, or paws, down. Advantage: Aslan
Intimidating Facial Hair: Need I explain? Advantage: Aslan.
Napole0n might make this a fight, but Aslan takes home the victory after a few rounds. The pig would definitely try and use his smarts to manipulate his way into a win. Maybe he’d use the old, “Hey, is that a wildebeest?” and go for Aslan’s legs when he wasn’t looking.
But in the end, Aslan is just too much for Napoleon. In a perfect world, Aslan might consider stepping out of Narnia, heading over to Animal Farm, and getting that train wreck of an outfit into tip-top shape. I think Aslan would be the ultimate farm consultant.
Who would you take?