Your Search Questions Answered, Volume 5
Well, it’s that time again. Time to respond to the many wacked-out search terms that found my blog via interweb search engines like Google.
Reminder, these are real search terms in all of their unedited glory. If you’re new to this series, here’s the archive. Read to your heart’s content.
Let’s get started:
disgusting words like ointment
That’s nasty. “Ointment” is just a nasty word. Can’t believe I haven’t thought of that one. What is it with “oi” words. Let’s face it–the “o” and the “i” don’t go together well. When these two letters meet, nasty words about bodily fluids (“moist”, for instance) and gelatinous medicinal cures follow.
what happens to your books if an ereader crashes
Your digital books are sent to the fiery pits of hell, or maybe Mordor, where they must sit for 5 years in the literary abyss in order to return to this earth as trees—with the hope that, one day, just maybe, they’ll become the paper that graces the physical book. Then they will have paid their penance.
feelings that you get when you read the book are you there god its me margaret
Dread. Misery. A vague feeling of “otherness,” like stepping into a room full of inside jokes, except none of the jokes are funny, even to the people who tell them, and everything’s just kind of gross and bloody.
reading is embarrassing
That’s like saying “talking is embarrassing” or “standing upright is embarrassing” or “seeking a life-giving source like oxygen or water is embarrassing.” Do you like fluids in your body? Do you like air in your lungs? Yes? Then you should like words in your head!
what is the best way to carry a book around
Well, I’m so glad you asked. I would love to help you answer this question.
what is beach reading?
I feel like I’m missing something here. Like, if someone asked me, “What is a chair?” I would automatically think, Okay this is obviously not a question about a chair. This is some type of metaphor or metaphysical, philosophical mumbo jumbo that I need to answer with a cigar or a cup of coffee in my hand. So this question is obviously over my head. You can’t possibly be talking about reading a book on the beach, can you?
how to spot a chauvinist pig
Let’s ask our friend V.S. Naipaul? Oh V.S! Will you come out on the patio for a minute! We have a visitor with a question!
offer ten rules in regard to writing e-mails, what would those 10 rules be?
- Don’t use ALL CAPS.
- Keep it short.
- Spell the words out. This isn’t texting.
- Don’t “reply all” unless you really need to reply all.
- Don’t email while angry.
- Before you fire off an email claiming Obama is the anti-christ or Bill Gates wants to give you money, visit Snopes. Snopes is your friend.
- Don’t forget the attachment.
- Don’t waste your time with an email forward. Nobody reads them.
- That’s not a Nigerian king and he doesn’t have $5 million dollars.
- If you’re still using Hotmail, we probably think your email is spam.
reposts on facebook are cracking me up
This is another one of those odd terms to put into a search engine. It’s as if this person expected Google to respond with, “I know. Did you see what Sara’s status update said about the turtle broach Carla wore to church on Sunday? OMG!”
it wasn’t so bad
You’re such an optimist. It was awful and you know it.
i have to do a book report on the lion witch an the wardrobe but i havnt read it …
So here’s an idea: Google a few things about the book, find some shmuck who read it and wrote out his thoughts about the whole thing, and then just copy that. Wait a minute…
what do you do while the men watch football?
You have two options here: 1) You make life miserable for the men. Yell at them. Vacuum while they’re trying to watch. Crank up the Golden Girls theme song really loud. Throw an encyclopedia at their crotch. Or 2) Take it easy on the men. Football is their thing. Be nice to them, and then, just maybe, they’ll take you out to dinner or to a Hugh Grant movie after the game. It’s possible. Have you asked? The men really aren’t that bad.
So that’s all for this time. And, as always, feel free to share any crazy terms that find your blog.