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Your Search Questions Answered, Volume 5

Well, it’s that time again. Time to respond to the many wacked-out search terms that found my blog via interweb search engines like Google.

Reminder, these are real search terms in all of their unedited glory. If you’re new to this series, here’s the archive. Read to your heart’s content.

Let’s get started:

disgusting words like ointment

That’s nasty. “Ointment” is just a nasty word. Can’t believe I haven’t thought of that one. What is it with “oi” words. Let’s face it–the “o” and the “i” don’t go together well. When these two letters meet, nasty words about bodily fluids (“moist”, for instance) and gelatinous medicinal cures follow.

what happens to your books if an ereader crashes

Your digital books are sent to the fiery pits of hell, or maybe Mordor, where they must sit for 5 years in the literary abyss in order to return to this earth as trees—with the hope that, one day, just maybe, they’ll become the paper that graces the physical book. Then they will have paid their penance.

feelings that you get when you read the book are you there god its me margaret

Dread. Misery. A vague feeling of “otherness,” like stepping into a room full of inside jokes, except none of the jokes are funny, even to the people who tell them, and everything’s just kind of gross and bloody.

reading is embarrassing

That’s like saying “talking is embarrassing” or “standing upright is embarrassing” or “seeking a life-giving source like oxygen or water is embarrassing.” Do you like fluids in your body? Do you like air in your lungs? Yes? Then you should like words in your head!

what is the best way to carry a book around

Well, I’m so glad you asked. I would love to help you answer this question.

what is beach reading?

I feel like I’m missing something here. Like, if someone asked me, “What is a chair?” I would automatically think, Okay this is obviously not a question about a chair. This is some type of metaphor or metaphysical, philosophical mumbo jumbo that I need to answer with a cigar or a cup of coffee in my hand. So this question is obviously over my head. You can’t possibly be talking about reading a book on the beach, can you?

how to spot a chauvinist pig

Let’s ask our friend V.S. Naipaul? Oh V.S! Will you come out on the patio for a minute! We have a visitor with a question!

offer ten rules in regard to writing e-mails, what would those 10 rules be?

  1. Don’t use ALL CAPS.
  2. Keep it short.
  3. Spell the words out. This isn’t texting.
  4. Don’t “reply all” unless you really need to reply all.
  5. Don’t email while angry.
  6. Before you fire off an email claiming Obama is the anti-christ or Bill Gates wants to give you money, visit Snopes. Snopes is your friend.
  7. Don’t forget the attachment.
  8. Don’t waste your time with an email forward. Nobody reads them.
  9. That’s not a Nigerian king and he doesn’t have $5 million dollars.
  10. If you’re still using Hotmail, we probably think your email is spam.

reposts on facebook are cracking me up

This is another one of those odd terms to put into a search engine. It’s as if this person expected Google to respond with, “I know. Did you see what Sara’s status update said about the turtle broach Carla wore to church on Sunday? OMG!”

it wasn’t so bad

You’re such an optimist. It was awful and you know it.

i have to do a book report on the lion witch an the wardrobe but i havnt read it …

So here’s an idea: Google a few things about the book, find some shmuck who read it and wrote out his thoughts about the whole thing, and then just copy that. Wait a minute…

what do you do while the men watch football?

You have two options here: 1) You make life miserable for the men. Yell at them. Vacuum while they’re trying to watch. Crank up the Golden Girls theme song really loud. Throw an encyclopedia at their crotch. Or 2) Take it easy on the men. Football is their thing. Be nice to them, and then, just maybe, they’ll take you out to dinner or to a Hugh Grant movie after the game. It’s possible. Have you asked? The men really aren’t that bad.

So that’s all for this time. And, as always, feel free to share any crazy terms that find your blog.

10 Comments Post a comment
  1. Matt #

    How do people still fall for the Nigerian email scam? I never understand that.


    October 21, 2011
  2. Blair #

    “You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?” —Michael Scott


    October 21, 2011
  3. I still love these. Hahaha!


    October 21, 2011
  4. I never actually making laughing type sounds (i.e. lol) while reading, but I did today. Your responses are golden. Thanks for sharing!


    October 21, 2011
    • Thanks for reading! As long as the crazy terms keep coming, I’ll keep posting them. You can’t make this stuff up.


      October 21, 2011
  5. hannahrose42 #

    This was my first time reading one of your questions answered blog posts, and I can say I will probably go read the others right after this. I loved your responses — some people just have the strangest search terms and probably don’t really understand how to search… but your responses made up for it. Clever. 🙂


    October 21, 2011
    • Thanks Hannah. Strange search terms indeed. Some aren’t publishable.


      October 21, 2011
  6. kmesa #

    Your responses are fantastic. Nice break on a Friday afternoon! Thanks!


    October 21, 2011
  7. I LOVE reading people’s search terms! After the stats info, that’s the best part. And if it’s been a particularly slow day, that IS the best part. Someone once found my blog by typing in the name “Ron Jeremy.” I have a blog about cooking, so I have no idea how they got to me while doing a search on the infamous porn star. Maybe I don’t want to know.


    October 25, 2011
  8. “Do you like fluids in your body? Do you like air in your lungs? Yes? Then you should like words in your head!” YES!!!!!!!!


    November 14, 2011

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