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Your Search Questions Answered, Volume 2

I'm told blogs need images. Here's a stellar image of a question mark.

Back by popular demand: Your Search Questions Answered. And by “popular demand,” I mean two people asked for another post, and I was one of them. The other was my wife. This is obviously wildly popular stuff.

If you need a recap, check out volume one. Remember, these are actual unedited search terms that found my blog. Let’s begin:

young girls always say i’m creepy old dude

That’s because you are a creepy old dude. You know how I know you are a creepy old dude? Because you are googling “young girls always say i’m a creepy old dude” on the internet. Turns out, those young girls know what they’re talking about. You are definitely a creepy old dude.

funny things to put on a english major’s graduation cap

Since I’m a former English major, I can make fun of us. And I’ve got three suggestions: 1) “My participles don’t dangle.” 2) “I got a useless degree and will be unemployed for the next 75% of my life.” 3)”Look Ma! No income!” Thanks. I’ll be here all week.

how much money does jonathan franzen make

I’m fairly positive he makes more than both of us combined. Unless the person googling this is J.K. Rowling.

how much is jonathan franzen worth

What is everyone’s obsession with the monetary value of Jonathan Franzen? The guy is just a writer. A very good one. But it’s not like he’s found the cure for cancer or made a cool million from a Billy Mayes-style infomercial. Actually, Franzen is not that great on camera.

paragraph about a time that something unexpected happened to you

Here’s something totally unexpected that happened to me: I used to be a minimalist when it came to eating vegetables. Lots of starches, some green beans, not much else. But about 5 years ago, I tried my first grilled asparagus. Those green stalks of goodness were an epiphany. Since then, I’ll eat anything you put in front of me–snails, sweetbread, sushi, you name it. These days, I call asparagus the “gateway vegetable.”

how can an old man approch a young girl

Another old man-young girl question. Thanks Judy Blume.  I don’t really know what you mean by “young girl”–maybe she’s 40 and you’re 90–that’s somewhat less creepy. But I’ll say that my wife is six years younger than me. When we started dating, I was 28 and she was 22. I approached her using my wisdom and manly charm.

books that pretentious people would read

Finnegan’s Wake. Anything by Proust. If they’re reading Shakespeare at Starbucks, that should be a red flag. Ah, but as soon as you call someone pretentious, you become pretentious yourself. Tricky. Tricky.

blah sentences to brilliant sentences for grade 6

I’m not sure what to make of this. What exactly is a “blah sentence,” as you say? Is it a boring sentence? Is it literally a blah sentence, kind of like the dreadful blah story which more than likely brought you to this blog? These are the questions I ask. None of this is helpful to you, I’m sure.

prize hog thought nest blogspot

I have no idea what all this means. “Prize hog”–okay, I’m with you here. A nice hog that might have won you a little money in a contest. “Thought nest”–now you’ve lost me. This sounds kind of like some freaky government torture technique in 1984. “Blogspot”–okay, a blog on blogspot. All of that together still makes no sense.

what does it mean if you dream with asylum patients?

“Dream with”? Odd. I guess it means that you are sleeping next to asylum patients? In which case, I would suggest that you mosey on out of that asylum patient’s room before the head nurse finds you–and if she’s anything like the nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, then Lord bless your soul. Get out of there!

That’s all I got this time around.

Any insight into the above questions? Or have you had any good search questions come to your blog lately?

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15 Comments Post a comment
  1. Katie #

    These always make me laugh so hard! and yes, I am the wife that asked for more of these posts.

    Like

    July 1, 2011
    • Glad to start your morning off with a laugh.

      Like

      July 1, 2011
  2. That’s a good idea actually. My blog also gets found through some hilarious searches, I might write a similar blog post.

    Like

    July 1, 2011
  3. Hahaha! I love these posts so much. Your answers are the best part. I have no better insight into these search terms than what you already came up with, but I’ll bet it was the same guy who searched for answers about young girls. Way creepy.

    Like

    July 1, 2011
  4. Teresa #

    Very funny. It took me back to Volume 1, which I had not read. What a hoot! My husband has a blog about psychotherapy and another about that topic related to politics …. I need to find his search results … I’ve been missing out!

    Like

    July 1, 2011
  5. Haha, these are awesome! The most amusing search term that found my blog so far was ‘chained vampire.’ Somehow I don’t think a review of Robin McKinley’s “Sunshine” was what the searcher had in mind.

    Like

    July 1, 2011
  6. Look Ma! No Income!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    You do realize you significantly increased the occurrence of old men who dig young girls coming to your site, right? And that’s without reviewing Lolita. I eagerly anticipate future versions of this type of amusement.

    Like

    July 1, 2011
    • I know. I know. But, on the bright side, I guess I’ll get more fun search terms. Or creepy search terms.

      Like

      July 1, 2011
  7. Volume 2
    from my blog Mother Hen’s Nest (humor)
    — who is the angry birds mother
    — sex and the city hens invites
    — prosthetic limbs for chickens
    — chickens have chocolate milk
    — Nirvana could have been the next Beatles
    — letters to big bird
    — what’s a mother hen
    from my blog A Darker Shade of Blue (depression)
    — positive affirmation underwear
    — why people like good listeners
    — 4 letter word for shade
    — does marie osmond like dogs
    — never be above yourself
    (I didn’t check the depression blog last time because I didn’t expect to find anything weird or funny. Wrong!)
    Jodi

    Like

    July 1, 2011
  8. Funny, funny, funny….

    Like

    July 2, 2011
  9. The things people search for are fascinating, no?

    I like making poetry out of the search terms I get. 🙂

    Like

    July 6, 2011
  10. Blair #

    These. Are. Hysterical.

    Like

    July 7, 2011

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Your Search Questions Answered, Volume 3 | 101 Books

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