9 Things To Do With Thick Novels You Hate
So here I sit, with nearly two weeks behind me since finishing A Dance To The Music Of Time—a novel that took up about half of my reading time in 2012.
I now have all four appropriately named “movements” (volumes) of the novel, each containing 3 books, totaling 12 novels and more than 3,500 pages…and I don’t know what to do with them.
More than likely, I’ll end up putting these books on my bookshelf—they’re big enough to have their own wing. They will be a memorial to the reading hell I suffered in 2012.
But, should I change my mind and decide to exorcise the demons of A Dance, I thought I’d come up with a few other ideas for the books.
How else could these four Anthony Powell books be used?
Cornerstones for a mobile home. You know those trailers in the midwest and south that always get ripped in the wind and torn in half whenever a tornado comes through? Tie ‘em down with these four Anthony Powell masterpieces and ride out the storm.
Literary booster seat for my son. I love this idea. While supporting my son and elevating him to the height of the table, A Dance To The Music Of Time will also feel the wrath of my 2-year-old’s less-than-stellar table manners, as an onslaught of 2% milk, peanut butter, goldfish, and apple sauce rain down on the books like locusts.
Natural narcotic. This one may be obvious. If you’re one of those anti-drug people, but you’d really like a hit of Ambien or some other sleeping pill, then A Dance To The Music Of Time might be your natural remedy. It’s a three step process. 1) Place pillow behind head for support. 2) Open the book to any page. 3) Begin reading anywhere on said page. Sleep guaranteed to follow or your money back.
An aristocratic car jack. Think of an elite neighborhood with academic types and haughty taughties. Instead of jacking their car up with cinder blocks, like in the redneck section of town, these rich folks could use the Anthony Powell novels. What a great way to combine a social statement with a practical use!
Booby trap. Gun control is all the talk these days. But who needs guns when you have 8-pound books to defend yourself with? Rig a booby trap over your front door with these four books and, if an intruder enters your lovely abode, he’ll get pounded on the noggin by these behemoths. It’s like the Scooby Doo crew when they catch the bad guy!
Fire starters for a charcoal grill. Infuse your steaks and burgers with the flavor of overrated, elitist literature.
Social repellant. Look, I’m no dating expert. But my guess is A Dance To The Music Of Time isn’t a lady magnet. Doubtful that any woman, or man for that matter, who sees you reading these books in Starbucks will think, Ooh, how sexy, that’s Anthony Powell’s tour de force. I must meet the man who reads this.
Gift bag filler. Christmas has passed, but maybe you can use this tip for next year or for birthdays. Rip out each page, one by one, and use these as filler in your gift bags. How delightful!
Hate mail. This one will take time and money, but hate can be a powerful thing. Now, who is your least favorite person in the world? Again, rip each page out of all four books and mail a page a day to the person you hate the most. Ten years from now, you’ll still be mailing pieces of the book. On second thought, at 37 cents a stamp, this is way too expensive. Forget about it.
What else could you do with your overweight, overrated books?