Your Search Questions Answered: The Greatest Hits

So it’s been almost a year since I started the “Your Search Questions Answered” series of posts. In that time, I’ve written 9 posts in the series with well over 100 unique search terms.

The beauty about this series is that the well never dries up. Every day, I’ll log away one or two search terms/phrases/questions that led to my blog. And, if the search terms are any indication, about 20% of this blog’s traffic comes to Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret related posts. At least it seems that way. Thanks Judy Blume.

While I’ve got a ton of search terms still waiting on me to poke fun at, I thought today we could take a look back at some of the best ones from the first 9 posts. Remember, these are actual, unedited search terms that came to 101 Books.

Here’s the Greatest Hits edition of Your Search Questions Answered:

describing gone with the wind in one sentence

Gone With the Wind is a battle between Scarlett and Ashley to see who sucks more.

is there a book called 101 ways to smell a fart

You know, if there is, I’d love to know how the author went about researching this book.

funny things to put on a english major’s graduation cap

Since I’m a former English major, I can make fun of us. And I’ve got three suggestions: 1) “My participles don’t dangle.” 2) “I got a useless degree and will be unemployed for the next 75% of my life.” 3)”Look Ma! No income!” Thanks. I’ll be here all week.

what does it mean if you dream with asylum patients?

“Dream with”? Odd. I guess it means that you are sleeping next to asylum patients? In which case, I would suggest that you mosey on out of that asylum patient’s room before the head nurse finds you–and if she’s anything like the nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, then Lord bless your soul. Get out of there!

though this is a bulky book with over 1000 pages, i will have read it all by this time next week.

Quite confident, aren’t we? I don’t understand why one would type this into a search engine. What did this internet user expect Mr. Google to respond with? “No. No you won’t. Books that bulky absolutely cannot be read by this time next week.” Or maybe some search engine positive affirmation like, “Yes. Yes, indeed. You have a glimmer in your eyes that tells me you will have this bulky book read by this time next week.”

does r u there god it’s me margaret tell u what sex is

Ah, the Judy Blume hits just keep on coming. Somewhere on this earth, a ten-year-old girl was heavily disappointed to find out her internet search turned up the website of a 35-year-old male amateur book reviewer.

bookshelf welcome to my book list. each of these books are inspiring in some way and i will keep adding as time allows me. enjoy!

It goes without saying that we all know bookshelves have thoughts. The only question here is—what was this bookshelf thinking? And can you imagine if the bookshelf really hated the books and didn’t want to be welcomed to this reader’s self-proclaimed “inspiring” book list? Like, what if this reader was a huge Tony Robbins fan—half of his bookshelf was nothing but signed Tony Robbins books? How depressing it must be for that sad bookshelf to live a life like that. It can’t speak. It’s left alone to its own torturous thoughts, in a prison of Tony Robbins books, with a chatty owner who talks to inanimate objects. The travesty.

reposts on facebook are cracking me up

This is another one of those odd terms to put into a search engine. It’s as if this person expected Google to respond with, “I know. Did you see what Sara’s status update said about the turtle broach Carla wore to church on Sunday? OMG!”

feelings that you get when you read the book are you there god its me margaret

Dread. Misery. A vague feeling of “otherness,” like stepping into a room full of inside jokes, except none of the jokes are funny, even to the people who tell them, and everything’s just kind of gross and bloody.

french touchy books

Sketch warning. Whether it’s French, Portugese or Latvian, a “touchy” book from any country sounds pretty creepy to me. What do you do with a touchy book? Forget that. I don’t want to know. You’re welcome to visit my blog, but please keep your touchy books and your touchy hands to yourself, okay?

most of my time i watch tv and reading novelss

Gollum?

whose books are better reading danielle steele or nora roberts

What is healthier: bacon fat or lard?

moist fondle

That’s simply the most disgusting word pairing that’s ever appeared on this blog, dear searcher. Whatever you were searching for, it couldn’t have been good.

o dear god its me

This must be the sequel to Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. In o dear god its me, Margaret and her friends, now in their 50s, are eager to see who can “get their first menopause.”

And that’ll do it.

I’ll return with volume 10 of Your Search Questions Answered some time in June.

As always, feel free to share any wacky terms that led to your blog!