Stuff Jonathan Franzen Hates
But let’s be honest: The guy comes off as a curmudgeon. He seems like an old grizzly curmudgeon who hates rainbows and doesn’t smile.
Franzen has been open about his disdain for ebooks (yeah, I’m not an ebook guy, but I’m not mean about it). He also hates Twitter and Facebook. All of this has been in the news again recently, when Franzen said this about Twitter (via The Guardian):
“Twitter is unspeakably irritating. Twitter stands for everything I oppose…It’s hard to cite facts or create an argument in 140 characters …It’s the ultimate irresponsible medium. People I care about are readers … particularly serious readers and writers, these are my people. And we do not like to yak about ourselves.”
The beauty of Twitter? People–obviously not Franzen’s “people”– immediately began poking at him, suggesting other things that Jonathan Franzen also hates because it seems like he hates a lot of things.
So that’s what today’s post is about. We know he hates Kindle, Facebook, and Twitter. What else does the curmudgeonish Jonathan Franzen hate?
- Jonathan Franzen hates water. Water breeds life. Water also breeds little, booger-faced kids who pee in the pool and play Marco Polo without volume control. That crap sucks, especially when you’re trying to write Pulitzer material.
- Jonathan Franzen hates gas-powered transportation. Freaking cars. Riding horses is so avant garde, and Jonathan Franzen is the king of the avant garde. He’s currently writing a screenplay for a silent movie version of Finnegan’s Wake, starring three mimes and a horse named Carlos. How avant garde is that?
- Jonathan Franzen hates light. Sunshine is so peppy. Jonathan Franzen hates peppiness. And artificial light is so artificial, like Twitter. Jonathan Franzen hates artificiality.
- Jonathan Franzen hates medicine. For Jonathan Franzen, medicine is just so 1990s. Gosh, you remember when people actually got flu shots? Losers. How ridiculous was that! That was back before the internet was so popular, and people could write blogs with pharmaceutical advice. Who needs a good pediatrician when you have the internet?
- Jonathan Franzen hates shirt pockets. We used to have shirts, just plain shirts. And then someone decided, “Hey, let’s put a nice little pocket on the shirt, in case someone wants to, you know, like carry a pen around or something.” In that moment, comfort met convenience and the evolution of the shirt advanced to a new level beyond Jonathan Franzen’s liking.
- Jonathan Franzen hates things that kill birds. Jonathan Franzen loves birds. I’m actually not making that up. So consequently, Jonathan Franzen hates things that kill birds, like large airplanes, clean windows, practical jokers with laxatives at the beach, and dudes from the south with large guns.
- Jonathan Franzen hates Tim Tebow. Must you hate Tim Tebow, Jonathan Franzen? He’s the life-giving water of humanity. How can you hate that? But when Jonathan Franzen plays Madden on his XBox 360, he plays as Mario Williams so he can sack Tim Tebow 12 times. Jonathan Franzen also claims to have a better throwing motion than Tim Tebow. And he does.
- Jonathan Franzen hates astronauts. When we were kids, we all wanted to grow up to be astronauts. But not Jonathan Franzen. He wanted to grow up to be a guy who hates astronauts. Plus, airplanes make him dizzy.
- Jonathan Franzen hates weddings. For most people, weddings are joy-filled occasions filled with Bette Midler songs and birdseed. But for Jonathan Franzen, weddings are one big pile of meh. The only wedding Jonathan Franzen cared for was Shrek’s. But don’t call him sentimental.
- Jonathan Franzen hates hate. Wait a minute. How can Jonathan Franzen hate hate? If he hates something, like ebooks, doesn’t that, by its very definition, mean he likes hate? No it doesn’t. Jonathan Franzen, by nature, is obligated to hate 98% of all atom-based properties, as well as 99.6% of all human emotion, including hate. So, yes, he can hate hate while still hating. Clear?
Oh, I just hate that today’s post—on a Friday, no less—is filled with so much hate. Thanks, Jonathan Franzen.
What else might Jonathan Franzen hate? You tell me.
[Please note: This post is satirical. I do not know Jonathan Franzen and have no way of knowing whether he dislikes Tim Tebow, rainbows, or water.]